A New Year

Julian of Norwich declares that Christ’s incarnation and passion bring Adam, meaning humanity, out of “hell.”  If “hell” is a metaphor for the bondage of sin, then what “hell” do I want to be released from?

Well, there’s a question for the brand new year.  All of my life I have fought the demons of overeating.  I was fighting them when I didn’t even know I was fighting them.  Even when I became aware that I was fighting them, I didn’t know why or when I began fighting them.  Now that I understand the why and the when, and now that I understand that my eating habits are a result of bad habits created in my childhood, a childhood filled with trauma and emotional abuse, I am still fighting them.

That became clear to me over the Christmas and New Year holiday.

I have been going to Weight Watchers for 6 months.  I have lost 36.6 pounds.  This is the fourth time in my life I have lost any significant amount of weight.  My plan for the holidays, which included a visit to friends and family, was to maintain the weight I had lost.

When I came back and stepped on the scale, to my utter dismay, I was up 8 pounds.  8 pounds in one week.  Now, in the last 5 days, all but 2 pounds have gone away.  I realize that most of it was water retention.  Because while I did not track meals during most of this time, I did watch portion control.  But I was not eating as I am accustomed to eating, so salt, fat, lack of vegetables, and probably some mindlessness, certainly would attribute to the gain and in turn, the rapid loss this week.

I was so distressed by the gain that it consumed me.  I honestly thought it was all about the gain until I read Julian’s words this morning.  Then it dawned on me that my distress was about much more than the weight gain.  It was the shame.  It was the sense of failure.  It was the feeling that I was still the eight year old fat girl who didn’t belong anywhere, and who would never fit in.  It was the extreme feeling of brokenness.

As I meditated over these word, the Lord spoke to me.

“You are not broken.”

“You are redeemed.”

“My beloved Son took on hell and all its fury so that you could live an abundant and joyful life.”

And I think he said something like, “Now, get up, dust yourself off, rebuke those demons, and get back to the business of living.”

Dear Heavenly Father, today I rebuke the demons of overeating, gluttony, and self-medication.  I claim the power of your Son Jesus, who died for me, and rose again, so that I could be released from the bondage of sin.  Release me now from that “hell.”  Amen.

November 28, 2017

Prayer for the day:

Dear God, Thank you for the gift of a new day.  Remind me continually that you are all I need.  May my actions, words, thoughts, and deeds reflect that today. May I not dwell on negative thoughts or things that have happened in the past.  May those things, which I may have perceived incorrectly, not influence my life right here, right now.

Lord, thank you for loving me just as I am.  Thank you for being with me and transforming me.  Thank you that I finally believe that change is not only possible, but something you want for me because you love me.  And you give me everything I need to make it happen.

Today, I rebuke the evil spirit of gluttony, of self medicating with food, and of self indulgence.  Today I will embrace you and indulge in your great love for me.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.  

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On Wednesday it will be nineteen weeks since I joined Weight Watchers.  I have lost 28.2 pounds.  I feel infinitely better about me, about life, about the future, and even about other people.

Weight Watchers works for me because it’s not a gimmick.  I do the work. I make the changes.  WW is how I hold myself accountable and it is my support group.

This is my first blog post.  In the days and weeks to come I want to share my journey with whoever finds their way here and decides to read what I have written.  There’s probably nothing profound here:  just honesty, self-evaluation, and maybe some bit of advice that someone will find helpful in their own journey.

For now I will say this:  I will be fifty-four years old this coming Monday.  I have lost a significant amount of weight three other times in my life, about once a decade.  I have always gained it back.

I have been afraid to try again for many years because I fear failure.  I mean seriously, why bother if I am just going to put it all back on?

But part of me seems to be that I am not a quitter.  I have also been quite miserable about how I feel physically, and how that affects me mentally and emotionally.  And that’s really sad because the rest of my life is so very good.  I have great friends, I love my job, and even my family has grown closer and stronger after many years of extreme dysfunction and chaos.  For the first time ever, I don’t have to worry about every single penny that I spend.

When I joined WW at the end of June, I went into it determined to not only change my body, but also to change my mindset.

That meant giving up the old cassette tape of lies that I have always let run through my mind.

That meant being honest about who I am and how I eat.

That meant that as a Christian, I needed to invite God along on this journey.

And it means living into who I was created to be by my Creator God.

I want to be the best version of me that I can be.

That’s what this blog is all about.